The Stupidest Angel

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The blog about a young man named Angel (no not the vampire, I hate that guy) and his adventures through life and all it's whimsy.

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  1. At the office

    I was fixing my shelves one day when I brushed my hand against one of the Tapestry magazines from V.M.T. I opened it and read through the first couple of pages As I’m going through it I read a quote by Elvia that included the word “Bibliophile” as she described herself. I’ve forgotten what this word means so my mind went to work.

    Angel’s Mind At Work,

    Director of Vocabulary and Grammar: Yo we need the folder containen “Bi-bi-blophiley”
    Assistant Director: Bibliophile sir.
    Director: Yea that.
    Tech: Who the hell made him director, he can’t even say the word.
    Director: Hey! I heard that, and if you don’t find me that folder with that there word in it you ain’t getting paid!

    Tech: NO! I’m sorry please don’t do that I got a wife and three kids!
    Director: Then get me that word! Where’s my librarian?
    Assistant: On vacation sir.
    Director: I never put people on vacation!
    Tech: How come I never get vacation?
    Director: How come you ain’t gettin my word?

    Tech: I get yo word dog. I’m always down to earth with my boyz 24/7 boss man.
    Director: Get my word or I’ll fire you.
    Tech: I’m down with that too

    *goes to library where cabinets are filed on shelves and shelves are on top of cabinets*

    Tech: I hope that guy comes back soon.

    *goes through B section*

    Tech: Bibliophile, bibliophile, bibliophile, where is it?
    Director: This is supposed to be a quick thought boy we ain’t gonna make him stand there lookin like an idiot.
    Tech: But he’s alone in his room.
    Director: GET MY WORD
    Tech: right boss man

    *After 2 minutes of the thought process at work*

    Tech: Can’t find it dude.
    Assistant: Perhaps we should divide it into its root words so we can determine its meaning.
    Director: Right, we’ll do that then.
    Tech: How did you end up working for this guy?
    Tech: Right boss (but im voting for the assistant at the next election)

    Assistant: Look for Phile first.
    Tech: Right boss
    Director: I’m your boss!
    Tech: Right dude
    Director: Just look it up, and while you’re at it look up biblo
    Assistant: Biblio sir.
    Director: Imma fire you too if ya don’t shut up
    Assistant: Sorry dawg
    Tech: Word

    Director: You found the word?
    Tech: What word?
    Director: The word
    Assistant: What’s the word?
    Tech: What?
    Director: The word we were talkin about.
    Tech: What is the word?
    Director: Bibliphili
    Assistant: Bibliophile
    Tech: I still haven’t found that one, I just started lookin for what.

    Director: Lookin for what?
    Tech: Yea
    Director: What?
    Assistant: Word

    *After another 2 minutes of the thought process*

    Angel in real word: I can’t remember what this word means

    Mind of Angel,

    Director: Whats takin so long? Hurry up before he stops thinking about this!
    Tech: Biblio wasn’t in our registry boss man
    Director: Well whats the next closest sounding word?
    Assistant: I believe it would be bible, its the closest thing to recent memory.
    Director: Put it up on screen then.
    Tech: Got it boss.
    Director: Now how bout that Phile?

    Tech: What file?
    Director: The word.
    Tech: What word?
    Assistant: (Oh not this again) The root word phile in “Bibliophile”
    Tech: Right on it.

    In the real word,

    Angel: Ah forget it

    Mind world,

    Director: HURRY!

    *tech fumbles thorugh a bunch of papers and ends up with phobia*

    Tech: ugh ugh ugh, FEAR! It means fear!!
    Director: There we got it! Send it out quick!
    Assistant: Sending now.

    In real world,

    Angel: huh…..fear of bible, I didn’t know Elvia was afraid of the bible.

    Mind world,

    Director: Hey whos chair is that?
    Assistant: It belongs to common sense sir.
    Director: Is he on vacation too?
    Tech: Naw man that fool quit a long time ago.

  2. The best book about zombies in Christmas out there.

    The best book about zombies in Christmas out there.

  3. Baseball players can’t swim.

    More than likely this is one of those you had to be there stories and in the end you will get a small chuckle out of it. But here it goes anyway.

    So my last year in high school I had to take Physical Education, which i avoided most of my life. Not that I don’t like a good ol run or two, i just hate having the class.

    One week we study up on baseball and on the last day of the week we play a game. I myself used to be in a little league team but I wasn’t good then and I certainly wasn’t going to be good now that PE day, but at least I had some experience.

    Anyway onto the stupidest angel bit,

    So there I was enjoying a chat with one of my team mates when it was my turn to bat. I was taunted by the pitcher (I’m taunted by a lot of people actually when it comes to sports) and in turn I was annoyed and mentally preparing for an awesome hit. Well sadly I missed the first two pitches which brought down my self build of confidence but the last one was the gold. It wasn’t a homerun but it got me to first base.

    So there I was anxiously waiting for my chance to run towards second, this was going to be my time to shine, my major league moment…well as far as PE goes anyway. When that ball flew I dashed toward that little platform like the professional I pretended I was…until I saw the ball coming back my way, then all hell broke loose in the form of laughter.

    (My memory isn’t that good but I think this is how it went down)

    I was on my way to second base until I saw that some lucky prick managed to catch the ball so the batter was out but that freed me up to go back to first base again. Which was good because everyone on the field was aiming to take me out and sent the ball towards second base.

    I ran back to first but as I’m doing so I look back to see that the ball is heading toward another runner that was on third so I attempted another go for second.

    The ball ends up coming back towards my direction again and I immediately try to turn back and run the other way back to first…until my poor balance failed me.

    I tripped about a foot away from safety.

    I was belly flat on the floor, so close and yet so far, there was no way I was going to get back up in time and make it, this other team was fast.

    "NO!" I thought to myself, "You’re supposed to be the hero here, this time you will prove you’re not completely hopeless when it comes to sports! It’s only a foot away just go for it!"

    I nodded to myself and with great vigor and zeal I go for it even if the other player with the ball was right on me. My body wanted to get there the fastest way possible so even if it was ridiculous I decided to crawl.

    Keep in mind that this very moment only spans about 10 seconds and was very tense cause we had 2 outs already and I certainly didn’t want to be the third out. 

    So in my rush to get up to a crawl my body quickly fumbled again just an inch closer to first base and in my haste I did the only thing I could do at the last second in this desperation….swim.

    Yes I literally mean swim.

    I didn’t know what else to do so I attempted to swim back thinking I could actually move quickly that way. I rotated my arms in wide arcs and actually kicked my legs. What did all this do? Absolutely nothing for me cept move me about a centimeter closer.

    But my act actually bought me time cause the guy with the ball in hand actually ran right past me laughing as was pretty much everyone else in the gym. I used this to quickly jump back on my feet and just step on the base. It took everyone a little bit of time to recover from watching what probably looked like a fish trying to flop back on land.

  4. Oh ok that’s what I thought you said.

    So after our hero dealt with all the verbal abuse with many sharp painful turns…

    We all arrived at the Hollywood Theater, the most expensive seat in town. We get down and all head over to the ticket booth like a gang of thugs, hands in our pockets, foreign objects in some of our mouths, loaded .45 caliber handgun(just kidding).

    So we get there to look at the times and learn that we have more than an hour before the movie starts. So we decide to go eat somewhere in the meantime and it turns out there was a Whataburger close by.

    2nd thing that went wrong…

    Cesar: Angel, Angel….ANGEL!

    So after I finally give an ear to my friend I notice he is pointing at something to which I discovered was a flat tire. After some mental and verbal cursing we all think of a plan.

    Raul: Do you have a spare?
    Angel: I don’t know…
    Cesar: Do you even have a jack?
    Angel: I’m not even sure what one looks like.
    Cesar: What the heck man what do you mean you don’t know?!
    Raul: Found it.

    So Raul apparently knows my mom’s car better than I do, cause he found a spare jack and donut (cause I wouldn’t call that tiny thing a tire) in the trunk.

    And instinctively I call my mother cause I’ve been told all my life to call when something like this happens and like the idiot I am I always use the wrong words in these situations.

    Angel: Mom one of the tires popped.
    *Mother freaks*
    Mom: Where are you?! Are you on the side of the road or something?

    Popped is not the same as saying flat, cause popped would mean that it exploded, most likely while you were driving. So I corrected myself.

    Angel: No mom I meant we got a flat tire here at the movies.
    Mom: Oh thank goodness, don’t scare me like that Angel. I don’t even have insurance.
    Angel: (Sure worry about the insurance more than your own children).

    So now me and my buddies are working together to try to replace this thing, which apparently it takes 4 people to operate the world’s smallest jack. So after we finally raised the side of the car about two inches off the ground, we attempt to remove the tire….

    Angel: Do you know how?
    Cesar: Its not that hard.
    Isaac: Yea right you never taken a tire out before.
    Cesar: All you do is take out the cap and screws.
    Angel: So you’re gonna do it then?
    Cesar: Heck no
    Raul: I’ll do it.

    So Raul attempted to remove the tire but was having much difficulty due to the crappy tools provided by Nissan (cheap bastards). When he was finally on the final screw he had a tough time removing it, and being such the good friend that I am I help him out.

    Angel: Move dude.

    *Kicks the wrench, the cap flies out, the tire falls on Raul’s foot, he screams.*

    Angel: I told you to move man, don’t hate me.

    So we put the donut on, ease the car back down, I do a little test drive, and come to the conclusion that this spare tire sucked, but it was good enough to get us from point A to point B so long as there wasn’t a distance between those two points that exceeded 30 miles. Yea we did the math.

    So even though we fixed that little problem we decided to just walk to the restaurant. We ate, ran back and finally went for our tickets.

    Now picture this carefully cause this is the highlight of the whole day.

    We have 3 guys that are adults and their younger brothers that are only about two years apart. So basically we have 6 adult males…well Adrian still would pass for a young teen which he is, but the rest of us looked like we were graduating already.

    So we have 6 guys walking to the ticket booth, dressed cool, some of us wearing cologne, nice clean hair cuts, the works. We get there and I walk up to the ticket booth lady who looks like she’s still in high school herself or college, so she is fairly attractive.

    I go up to her very cool and relaxed and without even thinking how this is going to look I say,

    “Can I have 6 tickets for Happy Feet please?”

    So then we exchange eye contact, she looks at me and waits to see if I’m joking or not then looks at the rest of the guys behind me and realizes that I haven’t said the title for another movie. So she gives a small laugh and hands over the tickets.

    It didn’t even bother us that much we enjoy watching these Pixar and Dreamworks pictures. Hell even now if we have time we still go and see them. During our time watching the movie we had some commentary by Cesar who simply had to point out every dirty thing he saw. Apparently penguins are freaky little birds…well big..birds though..they can’t really fly you know what I mean.

    The second highlight of that day that on our way back we ended up at a stoplight and we actually were right next to a tiny car full of girls that were in a similar situation we were in. That was a fun little interaction.

  5. I’m sorry what movie?

    This really isn’t a time when I did something stupid, this was just a day that went wrong and I thought I’d tell the story.

    Cesar (A close friend of mine) wanted, for a long to see this particular movie that recently came out in theaters. So him and I decided to to go see it during the weekend with Raul (another close friend of mine). So we talked, planned it out, cleared schedules all that jazz.

    First thing that went wrong:

    My mother demanded that I take my younger brother Adrian with me, cause he wanted to see the movie too. I complied with much resentment, but knowing that he alone couldnt ruin the whole day. Besides my friends don’t mind him, cause as much as I hate to admit it my younger brother is actually a pretty cool guy.

    So I leave my home in my mother’s little Nissan Sentra, which at most can fit four people including the driver.

    First guy to pick up on my list was Raul since he lived closest to my home. I got there honked the horn and saw Raul walk out… and not far behind him someone else.

    Yep, turns out his mom made him do the same thing mine did to me. He had to take his younger brother Roger with him. Now this complicated things, cause I don’t mind his brother but he wasn’t exactly little. He’s a pretty big guy and friggin tall too, you’d think he had some black in him or something. And Roger alone has a hard time fitting into my mom’s car, even if there was plenty of room for him.

    So after estimating his proportions I realized he would take up more than half the space in the back seat so I put him up front, cause my little brother is actually little so he and Raul would fit in the back easy.

    After we leave I work out the math and predict that Cesar, though it would be a tight fit, would be able to squeeze in the back with Adrian and Raul. And during the short drive to his house I’m thinking,

    “Man it sure would suck if Cesar had to take his younger brother, Isaac, with him.”

    And lo and behold, almost as if the devil himself read my mind and thought it funny to screw me over, Cesar walked out of his home with his brother following suit. And here I’m thinking our mothers had some kinda plan worked out to get rid of all their children. DAMN YOU JC PENNY AND YOUR SALES!

    So folks, I will tell you this there was no way these two were going to fit in the vehicle, but Cesar gave this confident statement which proved otherwise,

    “We’re MEXICANS!!!”

    And indeed it is in our Mexican blood to fit in places where it is almost impossible for a human to fit. After all the first clowns to do that tiny car gag were Mexicans. (Don’t quote me on that I’m just saying.)

    So after a lot of shoving and pushing, we now had 3 adults and one child (Adrian) fitting in the back seat which is only suppose to fit 2 people or 3 dwarfs. And even though I wasn’t experiencing the pain during what seemed like the longest drive on earth I had to deal with some stupid comments:

    Cesar: I think my lower half went numb!
    Raul: I can’t feel my legs anymore man.
    Adrian: *Car turns* Ouch my soul!
    Isaac: Hey I think that dude in the wheelchair just passed us.

  6. So were there cameras?

    I was heading back to the LCC (Laredo Community College) south campus from having my usual lunch at one of the few nearby fast food restaurants. I believe I had a lot on my mind cause my focus was really out of it.

    I entered the parking lot simple enough and looked around my usual parking spaces. I find a spot right next to a black Chevy Suburban (I think it was that model) and like the cool guy that I think I am I press on the gas and try to dash my way in and step out like if I was James Bond or something. UNFORTUNATELY that didn’t happen……

    I press on the gas and hit the big ol parked car and made a little dent……ok it was little to me but the repair cost which was over $1000 said so otherwise.

    I looked at my car first like the jerk that I am, AND then look at his to see how bad Im going to be in trouble. Whatever I had on mind before got thrown aside like a nerd trying out for the football team. This new problem was big and scary, and worst of all involved money and sharing information…and I’m uncomfortable sharing information.

    I decide I would deal with it later but then it hit me.

    “Maybe this person is the crazy vengeful type, and if they find out it was my car that did it they’d do something crazy like slash my tires or something!”

    So after that thought, I moved my car to a different spot. Which I later learn a lot of people do for a different reason than just fearing the victim might be vengeful.

    So after a stressful class I walk back to my truck, and it was raining which was perfect for getting me in more trouble, so I got in and I slowly think.

    “Should I leave, try to find the person or see if anyone knows them? What would my dad do?”


    Dad: Were there cameras? If not just get out of there and don’t come back for a week, but dont hide here.

    ……….*thinks what his mom would do*

    Mom:………were there cameras?

    “Ah crap this isn’t gonna get me no where, I might as well come back tomorrow and find that truck again.”

    SO there I was easing my way out and leaving the lot, but slowly I realized that those big bright colored lights that were behind me belonged to a campus police officer so I did the smart thing and stopped.

    Officer: Is this your vehicle?
    Angel: *feeling stupid* umm ummmm ahhhh YEA! yea it is.
    Officer: Sir are you aware that you were involved in an accident?
    Angel: *Feeling more dumb than before* -silence- yea………..

    Well I thought if I lied to him it would end up being worse for me so I gave an honest answer, and yea me parking somewhere else didnt help my case.

    So we head towards the office and I hand over my insurance, license, etc.

    Next morning I have to show up to give my testimony to the seargent……yay.

    So we meet, shake hands, I tell him why I hit a vehicle that obviously wasnt moving, and I had to repeat myself again cause I already shared this statement to yesterdays deputy,

    “No I wasnt drinking, talking on the cell, reaching for any objects…I just wasn’t paying attention.”

    So after reviewing the event, we started some minor chat and I finally asked who the car belonged too.

    Seargent: The Dean of Student Affairs

    Oh if only you’d seen the look on my face. And if the word ‘irony’ were any bigger my head would of exploded.

  7. 1 Notes
  8. The Stupidest Angel

    The Stupidest Angel is the title of a “Christmas” book by Christopher Moore which I highly recommend to any avid reader. Though don’t let the title fool you it’s as much about Christmas as…I wish I was into pop culture to make a clever metaphor here but anyway.

    But all that is just to explain where the title came from, my blog shares nothing else with the book. And also my middle name is Angel.

    This will be a comedy blog where I share stories about my life in which I get myself into some pretty crazy situations or just make a fool out of myself and those around me.

    So without further a due…